DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of
this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future
generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two
ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is
right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it
up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass
each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure
our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should
be relatively easy!
Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other
assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are
welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and
war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You
can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however,
responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all
three of them).
We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved
homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles
and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the
right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N..
but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You
can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing
doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National
Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to
Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up
poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our
history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like
minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just
hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which
one of us will need whose help in 15 years..
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
(PURPORTED TO BE WRITTEN BY A YOUNG LAW STUDENT)
